


i don't love you (you're a terrible liar)

by silverkatana



Series: love leaves its memories [1]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M, Rejection, Unfulfilled Love, i'm sorry but i guess i couldn't stay away from angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:21:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22161718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverkatana/pseuds/silverkatana
Summary: kyuhyun remembers every moment of being in love with ryeowook.from the start, all the way to the end.
Relationships: Cho Kyuhyun/Kim Ryeowook
Series: love leaves its memories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595200
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	i don't love you (you're a terrible liar)

(zero.)

Kyuhyun can’t remember when it started, or how. Or why, for that matter. He only remembers it as something that’s stretched almost as long as his entire career, something that never subsided but only grew stronger with time. 

Maybe it was the first day they met, when he was a timid boy standing lost in the practice room, attempting helplessly to fit in with a group of strangers that regarded him with half-cold, half-curious stares. Maybe it was because he had appeared amidst all the uncertain tensions and uncomfortably thick atmospheres with his gentle laugh and a special kind of warmth that could dispel all the frigidness of the other members. Maybe it was that comforting, welcoming feel to him that made Kyuhyun fall for him for the first time.

Or maybe it was after. Maybe it was when he settled into the dorm with the group he became a part of, when he didn’t know what to do and who to talk to. Maybe it was because it was always that one person who made him feel at home in a place he knew he didn’t fit in just yet. Maybe it was because he managed to find solace in someone in a place that he felt like a mismatched puzzle piece in; maybe it was that.

Perhaps it was much, much after. After he got used to all the members, after he learnt to fit in just fine. After they became closer, after they learnt everything about each other. Maybe it was after they went on tour together, or maybe it was after all the practice sessions and year after year of hard work. They say that bonds strengthen after sharing tough experiences, after all; maybe it was all that they went through that made that same bond unknowingly evolve into a different kind of emotion.

Kyuhyun can’t quite recall when it was that he fell in love with Ryeowook, nor does he remember when it was that he  _ realised _ it was more than friendship, more than brotherly affection, more than infatuation, more than a silly crush.

He can’t remember what it was, or when it was, that made him realise it was something called love.

But it must have been love, because ever since the first day he felt it, some pleasantly odd feeling he didn’t know how to -  _ couldn’t _ , really - describe, that same feeling never did go away.

(one.)

It must have started a long time ago, Kyuhyun realises, because the first concrete memory he has of actually  _ doing _ anything about his - admittedly troublesome - feelings would belong to a period even before Sorry Sorry was released, back when all of them lived in the dorm together.

The only reason he remembers it is because Ryeowook brought it up months later during a radio show, and he still recalls how panicked he felt at that moment as he attempted to convince everyone that he  _ hadn’t _ done it.

He doesn’t remember all the details, but he does remember that it had been just him and Ryeowook in the dorm at that point of time; the rest of the members must have been out for morning schedules. And he doesn’t remember  _ why _ he thought it was a good idea, or what form of motivation had suddenly spurred him to do so, but he certainly remembers planting a gentle kiss on Ryeowook’s forehead while the older of the two is fast asleep.

And he certainly recalls the embarrassment that ensues when he jokingly brings up kissing as a method to wake someone up during a radio broadcast, only to have Ryeowook mention that Kyuhyun had done it to him; which definitely made him panic more than he should after being made aware to the fact that Ryeowook  _ had _ , in fact, been less asleep than Kyuhyun assumed he was at that point of time.

Kyuhyun didn’t miss the amused glint in Ryeowook’s eyes when he frantically denied all claims during the show. He wondered, back then, if he could somehow manage to convince Ryeowook that it had been a dream and that he did  _ not _ do such a thing; he never did follow through with that plan, though.

After all, he didn’t miss the fact that Ryeowook remembered it after so many months, either, nor the fact that Ryeowook didn’t mention it to him the day after despite noticing it.

Sometimes, Kyuhyun wonders if Ryeowook still remembers it like he does.

(two.)

Kyuhyun remembers being sick. Very sick. Sick enough to be confined to the dorm, in bed, sulking about being forced to stay in said bed instead of working or being allowed to touch his computer, even.

He doesn’t recall how he fell sick, or the type of sickness that plagued his body; nor can he pinpoint the exact year, but it must have been before the large majority of the members left for the military and before everyone began moving out from the dorms, because he  _ does _ remember it being noisy enough to give him a splitting headache, and because he remembers Ryeowook yelling at the older members to shut up for his sake. (They did shut up. An angry Ryeowook, he’s learnt, is extremely effective at getting others to comply.)

He remembers Ryeowook cooking soup for him, him playfully complaining about its taste, and then getting soup shoved down his throat forcefully courtesy of Ryeowook; he also remembers Ryeowook watching him with a hawk-like gaze and pushing him to rest, and he reflects that he must have been -  _ should  _ have been - irritated at that point of time, yet he doesn’t remember being all that annoyed; then again, perhaps the fact that it was Ryeowook caring for him that alleviated his sullen mood.

He also vaguely recalls concocting some reason that sounded, to him, like a messily thrown together mix of pathetic excuses and childish whining to get Ryeowook to keep him company for the night; he remembers, with some amusement, that it had somehow actually worked, and that he had fallen asleep with his arm completely numb because Ryeowook fell asleep on top of it.

He hadn’t minded, though. Not one bit. Not even though it took him ages to regain feeling in that arm after Ryeowook moved away.

He remembers waking the next day, his mind still a little hazy from his sickness, and maybe it was the fogginess of his thoughts, or perhaps it was something else, but as he looked at Ryeowook sleeping, he remembers thinking that it would be nice if things could stay like that for longer than just one night.

(three.)

Kyuhyun remembers with surprising clarity how it feels to kiss Ryeowook - from the way his heart beat so fast that he was certain the entire stadium could hear to the way their lips met softly and accidentally, and to the way the fans’ screams resonated all around them as time hung blissfully still in the air for that one moment he never imagined would actually come.

It was a game that the Super Junior members, for the most part, took part in after some hesitation - or in Leeteuk’s and Heechul’s case, more than willingly, as seen from their particular demonstration of the game - and Kyuhyun had, just like the rest of them, convinced himself that it was nothing more than some much-desired fanservice. And that was what he kept telling himself, and what he continued to believe, up until he realised that he had been paired with Ryeowook.

By then, he had been long aware of his painfully bothersome feelings towards his fellow group member; and by then, he’s tried countless methods of dispelling those said feelings, only to fail each time. Needless to say, his predicament sent his feelings into disarray, and it didn’t help him in the slightest when his heartbeat skyrocketed and only confirmed to him what he wished he didn’t know - that he was, after too many years, still helplessly in love with the person named Kim Ryeowook.

He remembers walking towards Ryeowook, wondering if the latter could hear his heart beating painfully against his chest, wondering if he felt anything at all, and later dismissing the notion as little more than silly wishfulness. He remembers moving his face close enough to Ryeowook’s to feel his warm breath brush his skin, and remembers the members’ teasing shouts as he closed his eyes instinctively. 

He remembers hearing Ryeowook drawing a sharp breath, remembers the way he held his own. He remembers the silence that envelops them, remembers seeing nothing but the dark as he kept his eyes closed, feeling Ryeowook’s breath fanning his face and hearing his heartbeat ringing in his ears. 

And he remembers their lips touching, just lightly, the ghost of a kiss, them breaking away from each other fast enough to pretend nothing had happened, the moment lasting long enough for each other to know something had.

He remembers it too clearly.

(And he wonders if Ryeowook does, too.)

He remembers turning away, his face burning in an amalgamation of embarrassment and shyness, the fans’ cheers loud enough to drown out the way his heart still beat much faster than it should against his sternum, and the way he snuck a glance at Ryeowook to see his reaction.

He remembers the breath that escaped him when he saw the expression on Ryeowook’s face - amused, a little embarrassed maybe, but cheery for the most part, without a single facial feature betraying any other form of emotion, a stark contrast to the turmoil that Kyuhyun was certain was being displayed across his face.

Kyuhyun remembers an emotion he could only place as ‘hope’ dying a little in his chest that day, and he remembers thinking to himself that after all these years, Ryeowook has never felt the same way. Not once.

He remembers the way he had to fight down the pain blossoming in the crevices of his heart that day, the way he searched Ryeowook’s expression for emotions he knew he wouldn’t see, the way he was reminded, again, the pain that unfulfilled love always tended to bring.

But he also remembers going to his room after they flew back from their overseas tour, locking the door as if he were doing something to be ashamed of, plugging his earphones in and searching up videos of that day on his laptop; he remembers spending far too long glued onto YouTube, scrolling through long lists of videos until he arrived at the one he was looking for.

And, Kyuhyun thinks with a faint smile, he remembers watching the video back and realising that Ryeowook had his eyes closed too.

(four.)

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. In Kyuhyun’s case, all he can remember is missing Ryeowook very much, enough to make him fall into a terrible mood on more than one occasion during his fellow member’s military service.

The dorm is a lonely place without Ryeowook around; Kyuhyun remembers moping and being a generally unproductive human being during the first few days of Ryeowook’s absence, his mind filled with silly resentments and regrets about not spending enough time with the older of the two - he later allowed himself to get swept up in schedules, preparing for his own military service, and he recalls hoping that being so busy would take his mind off Ryeowook a little more.

It worked for a while; up until he returned to the dorm late one night after a round of drinks with Heechul and  _ maybe _ it was because of the alcohol, or maybe it was out of habit, but he remembers lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling, letting his phone ring next to him, dialing and re-dialing Ryeowook’s number while barely conscious, and falling asleep moments later to the emptiness of the dorm and Ryeowook’s ringtone ringing in his ears.

He remembers the day his manager told him that Ryeowook only had one month of military service left; he remembers acting surprised, as though it were news to him (he never lost track of the days, not once) - and he had been, of course, all too happy to comply when his manager subsequently hinted that he should pay Ryeowook a visit.

It had been nice to wrap his arms around his friend’s smaller frame, to hear his laughter and to delve into all sorts of conversations with him, no matter how irrelevant, no matter how nonsensical - it had been nice to be with him, even if it had only been a day. Kyuhyun remembers how it felt; it had felt like home, really, even though both of them had been far away from home.

He liked it. He missed it. And that day, he was reminded more sharply than ever that he really did miss Ryeowook.

Kyuhyun remembers, too, the day Ryeowook returned. It’s still relatively fresh in his memory, fresh enough for him to remember how the door sounded when it clicked open and fresh enough for him to remember his own heart pounding in his ears in tandem to the sound of his footsteps against the floor as he rushed to greet Ryeowook at the door.

He remembers wrapping his arms around Ryeowook tight enough to knock the breath out of him, and the two of them laughing as Ryeowook lost his footing and stumbled, nearly causing both of them to crash into a wall; he remembers the smile that settled on his lips and never seemed to leave as Ryeowook flitted around the dorm, arranging all his things and making himself comfortable once more.

Kyuhyun remembers the day he returned as well; he remembers walking up to the door only to have it open before his eyes and for Ryeowook to fall into his embrace, laughing into his black sweater. He remembers brimming with joy that day for reasons he can’t hope to explain, remembers how he resisted the urge to plant a kiss on the top of Ryeowook’s head right there at their doorstep, remembers how he did end up leaving one on Ryeowook’s forehead after he fell asleep that night.

Kyuhyun remembers how much it felt like home with Ryeowook. 

From the start to the end.

He remembers, time and time again, second after second, what it feels like to be in love with Ryeowook.

(five.)

“... Kyuhyun?”

Kyuhyun tilts his head, his eyes refocusing on Ryeowook, whose inquisitive gaze pierces Kyuhyun’s own. “Hmm?”

“Were you paying attention?” Ryeowook queries, the corners of his lips quirking upwards amusedly, and Kyuhyun clears his throat as he realises he had been caught drifting off into his own thoughts.

“What were we talking about?” 

He watches as Ryeowook takes a languid sip of his drink, remaining still as Ryeowook stares down into the glass and allows for a moment of hesitation before he speaks. “You aren’t going to ask me to stay?”

Kyuhyun swallows. Hard. “No,” he says weakly. A look crosses Ryeowook’s face, and it reminds him of all the other times in the past where Ryeowook’s seen past all his thinly-veiled lies. He tries for a more convincing tone this time. “I mean, why would I? Everyone’s already moved out anyway, it was only a matter of time.”

If Ryeowook is fooled by Kyuhyun’s tone, he doesn’t show it, instead maintaining a mildly unimpressed expression - Kyuhyun guesses that he isn’t that great of an actor after all - as he lets a sigh flicker out past his lips. “You know what I’m talking about, Kyuhyun-ah.”

Kyuhyun’s response comes fast. Perhaps a little too fast. “I don’t,” he denies with a sharp breath, feeling his heart thudding at the bottom of his throat and getting more rapid with each beat. “I’m not sure what you’re implying, Ryeowook.”

“It’s been fifteen years.” Ryeowook stares directly at him, and he fights the urge to shift under the rather keen gaze that he’s been subjected to. “You should have a little more faith in my ability to read you, you know.”

He’s glad his voice doesn’t shake as much as he thinks it would. “And what do you mean by that?”

Ryeowook has never been one for beating around the bush, and it seems that their conversation is no exception. “You don’t love me the way the rest of the members do.” He says it so calmly, like he’s stating facts, like it’s something he’s known and understood for a long time now.

Kyuhyun feels his heart stop beating in his chest.

He lets his glass collide harshly with the table, the world coming to a standstill around them for a moment, and in Ryeowook’s collected gaze he sees his own frenzied expression - shocked, lips parted, holding back words that he can’t get out, and the look in his eyes; glazed over first, and then crumbling, slowly coming undone, and then all at once.

He manages one word. His voice cracks midway through it, even if it’s only a single syllable. “No.”

Ryeowook smiles gently. It somehow makes things hurt more. “You can stop pretending, you know. I’ve known for a while now.”

Kyuhyun re-memorises the features on Ryeowook’s face. The way his hair, uncombed, falls slanted across his skin, the way the light catches in his kind -  _ too kind _ \- gaze and scatters like the light of a million fireflies, the way his cheeks glow a light pink under the dim lights, the way he searches Kyuhyun’s face and reads everything he wants to say but can’t.

He doesn’t know what to do. 

He remembers thinking that it would be nice if Ryeowook knew. That was many years back, back when Ryeowook wasn’t interested in settling down, wasn’t interested in having a family of his own, was more likely to be interested in him.

He stares at Ryeowook. It’s the same person, the same person who he’s been in love with for half of his life. But in a way, he’s different; this is the Ryeowook who has begun to consider the possibility of marriage which he once turned away from, the Ryeowook who has grown fond of the idea of starting his own family, the Ryeowook who is moving away from the house he has shared with Kyuhyun for half of his life.

The Ryeowook who is moving away from  _ him _ .

And staring at Ryeowook like that, taking in all his features and realising that they’ve changed a little, somehow, from when he last memorised, Kyuhyun realises his place.

The Ryeowook in front of him is the same person who wants everything that Kyuhyun can’t give him; the Ryeowook in front of him is the same person who wants to love someone who isn’t him. The same person who wants to begin a new chapter of his life, a chapter with pages that Kyuhyun can’t fill.

And the same person who he’s been in love with for as long as he can remember.

In the silence, Ryeowook’s expression is beginning to crumble bit by bit. Kyuhyun is sure that his has already fallen apart from the start.

“Just tell me,” Ryeowook whispers. “You just have to tell me to stay.”

_ Then stay _ , Kyuhyun wants to say; he wishes it could be that simple, that he just had to say two words and everything would miraculously resolve itself. 

He wishes he could tell Ryeowook to stay.

Yet he remembers, too, everything that Ryeowook’s ever told him - marriage. A family. Children of his own. 

Things he can’t give to Ryeowook; things he can’t take away from Ryeowook.

He’s loved Ryeowook for half of his life.

And for half of his life, he’s wondered what it would feel like to have Ryeowook feel the same.

But he never knew it would feel like this.

It’s a struggle to breathe the words out.

“I don’t love you.”

Ryeowook’s bottom lip trembles slightly, just enough for Kyuhyun to catch. “You’re a terrible liar.” His voice is shaking too, Kyuhyun notes. 

“I’m not lying,” Kyuhyun says, and his voice breaks.

The tears begin to spill, running across Ryeowook’s reddening cheeks and melting into the table like stars falling across the sky and dissipating into the city lights. “You’re a terrible liar,” he repeats bitterly, his fingers balling into a fist around the stem of his glass. 

Kyuhyun closes his eyes. “As I said, I’m telling the truth.”

“Do you think you’re the only one who’s been hurting for all these years?”

Kyuhyun’s eyes snap open. Ryeowook continues talking, his words falling clumsily out past his lips and into the heavy air. “Do you think you’re the only one who’s been in love with someone he shouldn’t have for years,” Ryeowook breathes out, eyes red, “Because you’re not.”

“Years?” Kyuhyun echoes.

“Years.” Ryeowook meets his gaze. “I thought I could finally put it behind me when I left for the military.” A short laugh leaves his lips. “I suppose I was wrong.”

Kyuhyun never imagined that love could be such a difficult thing to manoeuvre. “Then why,” he pauses, almost too afraid of knowing the answer to ask, “Are you leaving?”

“I was hoping,” Ryeowook drums his fingers on the table lightly, bringing his arm up to wipe some of his tears away with his sleeve, “That you would ask me to stay.”

The silence that hangs between them is deafening.

“And I guess,” Ryeowook speaks up quietly, a pained smile playing on his lips, “That you’re not going to.”

Kyuhyun remembers the way Ryeowook smiled when he talked about his plans for the future. About whoever he’ll meet in the future, about who he’ll marry, about who he’ll have his own family with. 

His throat burns. His eyes do, too.

_ How can you have all of those if I ask you to stay? _

“No,” he says at last, matching Ryeowook’s broken smile with one of his own, “I’m not.”

Ryeowook lets out a breath, long and shaky and loud. “You’re an idiot.”

He shrugs. “Fall in love with someone else.”

Ryeowook studies him, and he shifts under Ryeowook’s gaze. “You say that as though you’re not on the verge of tears,” Ryeowook laughs. “As though you’re not hurting too.” It’s a bittersweet laugh.

He tilts his head. “I’ll be okay.”

“You’re making it hard for yourself too, you know,” Ryeowook murmurs, but Kyuhyun knows him well enough to know that he’s already beginning to give up. “It’s not too late, you know? If you want to just… start over. Everything. Do it all over again properly. Make up for all the time we could have spent together in all the years that we’ve kept silent. We don’t have to go our separate ways, or put ourselves through what we don’t want. I can stay, you know, and-”

“Ryeowook,” Kyuhyun interrupts gently, releasing a breath. “I don’t love you, not anymore, so I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me.”

Ryeowook looks at him, and in that moment, Kyuhyun knows that Ryeowook can see right through him.

The older of the two shakes his head.

_ He’s given up _ , Kyuhyun realises, ignoring the tears that sting the back of his throat. He should be happy. He’s not the person Ryeowook should be in love with; he should be happy that Ryeowook’s finally given up on trying to make anything - trying to make the nonexistent  _ them _ \- work.

(But he’s not. And he already knows the answer as to why he isn’t.)

“You’re a terrible liar, Kyuhyun,” Ryeowook says at last, getting up from his seat with a soft smile that doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “Goodnight.”

Kyuhyun watches Ryeowook walk away to his room, a quiet  _ click _ resonating for a couple of seconds as the door closes.

He commits that to memory, too.

He stays like that for a while, staring vacantly at the spot that Ryeowook had left, up until the dorm is completely enveloped by silence, void of movement except for the shaking of his shoulders as he allows himself to break down into sobs.

He remembers it all. Every year. Every moment that he’s loved Ryeowook. Every moment that he’s wished for Ryeowook to love him back. Every moment that he’s tried to fall out of love, and every moment that he’s failed.

He remembers how it feels to love Ryeowook.

He remembers how it feels to love someone for half of his life. Time and time again, he’s brought back by the memories; and second after second, he’s reminded, over and over again, that he’s still deeply, undoubtedly, and foolishly in love with Ryeowook.

He remembers everything - from the start, all those years back.

And now, to the end.

_ I don’t love you. _

The tears are bitter. So bitter.

They sting.

_ I’m such a terrible liar. _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i didn't intend for that to turn out angsty but somehow it did so uh ,,  
> i'm sorry?
> 
> twitter: @kyuspetals


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